Today the blog is home to Undead Miss Manners. She’s not a zombie, but she’s more than human. With more and more humans maintaining relationships with supernatural creatures and those of the recently dead persuasion, she’s here to help you avoid preternatural faux pas.
Learning proper etiquette for traveling with zombies, dinner parties with vampires and even living with werewolves can be touchy at times, and Undead Miss Manners is here to help you navigate the social waters. If you have a question for her, please use the contact form on this site, and Chelsea will be sure she receives it for a future post.
Dear Miss Manners, I discovered a severed head in new boyfriend’s medicine cabinet while snooping. How can I broach the subject tactfully? — Keeping My Head On
Dear Keeping My Head On,
When starting a relationship with anyone—undead or otherwise—it is important to respect boundaries. The instinct to snoop is common, but I urge readers to ignore it. There is often a solid explanation for things you’ve found, and you may find yourself in a pickle when it comes time to ask. However, that doesn’t mean I won’t help you, Keeping.
Without knowing your boyfriend’s specifics, let’s talk a few scenarios. If is keeping the severed head in the medicine cabinet, it’s likely for maintenance. Some undead creatures, zombies in particular, can feed on flesh to regenerate after injury. Was the severed head kept near first aid supplies?
The easy segue into conversation on the severed head would be to talk about preservation. Be forthright with your boyfriend. Admit you saw the head in the cabinet and express concern over possible putrefaction. If he is a zombie, his sense of smell may be quite limited. This direction allows you to be honest, but also offers a solution (I’d suggest using a mobile cooler to store emergency flesh). Ask if the head needs to be stored in the bathroom, and why he wants to store it there. This will start a dialogue, and help both of you come to a better understanding about each other’s needs.
Dear Miss Manners, My vampire boss is coming over for an important dinner. I really want to impress him, but I have no idea what to serve! Is it speciest to assume he’d like black pudding or steak tartare? What should I make?! Thanks! — Stymied and Semi-Dead in San Francisco
Try to think of this opportunity as a chance to let your boss get to know you. When the boss comes to dinner, he is making an effort to change the relationship dynamic. Yes, this is a chance to impress, but it’s also important to be yourself. While you may have witnessed your boss consuming a bit of food at work functions, vampires do not need human food for sustenance. Your boss gets all his nutrition from drinking blood. Does this mean you should serve blood? Of course not!
Tapping a vein at the dinner table in mixed company is completely off limits. What it means is you should make a dish you enjoy and that illustrates your creative abilities in the kitchen. The taste isn’t going to matter to your boss, but something colorful with clean presentation is sure to wow him.
Also, Stymied, avoid the black pudding. He won’t care about the taste, but you don’t want to pander to him. Same goes for serving extra bloody meat for the sake of saying there’s blood available.
Until next time, readers. If you have relationship woes, questions about why your cat hates your new undead boyfriend or how to interact with the new demon at work, let Undead Miss Manners help. Leave questions in the comments below, or send them in. She’s here to help.
Image via loneanimator